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Satire:
MIDNIGHT AT THE WHITE HOUSE - by Alan Welch (A transcript of a phone call that never happened according to White House insiders.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aid: Mr. President, President Putin is on the line. Trump: OK, put it through. Putin: Mr. President, good evening. Trump: Vlad, I need to talk with you. Putin: I told you not to call me that. Trump: Right, sorry, sorry, I’m, I’m under a lot of stress. Putin: Now what wrong is with you? Trump: I lost the election. Putin: Yes, yes, we know all that. We knew that before you knew it. Have you got my money? Trump: . . . well, I . . . Putin Have you got my money, you are almost done there. Trump: I have most of it. Putin: What do you mean most of it? Trump: Things are a little rough right . . Putin: How short are you? Trump: Vlad, I . . Putin: Don’t call me that. Trump: Pootiebear . . Putin: Don’t call me that either. NEVER call me that. Trump: But Pootiebear- Putin I TOLD you never to call me that. Trump: ok, but Vlad - Putin: Don’t call me that either. Trump: OK, . . . boss. Putin: You did not say it with capital B. Trump: I’m sorry, Boss- Putin: That’s better. You KNOW I like that better. Trump: Like I said I’m a little short. Putin: HOW short? Trump: I have about $300 million. Putin: That’s a hundred million short! Trump: I know Vlad but- Putin: Don’t call me that! Trump: But I am running out of options. Putin: You are there for another month, suck it out of those losers who still believe in you. At least that is one thing you do well. Trump: Don’t say that Pootie- Putin: Don’t say it! Trump: Oh, ok . . . I just- Putin You have a month to come up with other hundred million even if you have to declare martial law. Trump: . . . Marshal law, hey, that’s a great- Putin: Just get me my money! Trump: Then I can come to Moscow? Putin: Sure, sure, that’ll be fine. Trump: And I can build a Trump Tower there? Putin: Sure, sure . . . Trump: Does Melania have to come too? Putin: Of course. Now go be presidential. Trump: But Vlad, I was hoping- Putin: You are calling me that again! Trump: But Poo- Putin: DON’T! Trump: I mean boss. Putin: . . . Trump: I said boss. Putin: . . . Trump: Boss! Putin: Yeah, better. Yes, Melania has to come, otherwise it would look strange Trump: But we can still see each other right? Putin: . . . . . (sigh) of course. Trump: . . . . Putin: Good night. Trump: But- Putin: Good NIGHT. Trump: . . . . . Good night . . . *click* *click* Trump: . . . *whispers* pootiebear. |
Satire:
A Day at the Senate Customer Service desk. - by Alan Welch (A transcript of a phone call that never happened according to 17 intelligence agencies insiders.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ *telephone rings* Aide: Hello, this is the U.S. Senate Customer Service Department, how can I help you? Putin: Da, er yes, this is customer John Smith, 02925, I would like to speak to someone about a refund. Aide: A refund sir? Putin: Yes, is refund, right? Aide: A refund for exactly what sir? Putin: My purchase. Aide: And what purchase would that be sir? Putin: MY purchase, I would like refund on ALL my purchases. Is why I am calling. Aide: You’ll have to be more specific, sir. Which purchases are you calling about. Putin: All of them! Look them up. Aide: I still don’t know what you mean, sir. Putin: I want my money back for my purchases Aide: I need - Putin: Just look my name up in your records! Aide: Records sir? Putin: YES! In your records, you are keeping records don’t you? Aide: Are you serious, Sir? Putin: You are joking with me, yes? Aide: No, seriously sir, we don’t keep records of these purchases. Putin: . . . . . WHAT!?!? Aide: After all, we DO have laws in this country. Putin: (INCOMPREHENSIBLE VITRIOLIC RUSSIAN) Aide: Is there anything else I can do for you sir? Putin: Wait, wait, I want to know . . . Aide: Sir? Putin: You are telling me you are keeping no records of these purchases? Aide: Of course not Mr. Smith. Putin: I buy President and he loses and I get nothing back? Aide: Oh, you’ll need to speak to the White House Customer Service for that, shall I trans- Putin: Nyet, that is bitter borscht, That fool in White House couldn’t pull off simple coup even after I give him instructions. He - Aide: Beg pardon? Putin: . . . Never mind, I buy Senate leader and he fails me and I get- Aide: Nothing back, Mr. Smith, yes. Putin: And I buy senators and I - Aide: Get nothing back, yes sir. Putin: what about warranty? Aide: Surely you jest, sir. A warranty on politicians? Putin: . . . . . Aide: I might add sir you are welcome to keep the complimentary set of steak knives that came with your non-purchase. Putin: Is expensive steak knives. Aide: Nothing but the best for our non-customers. Putin: Funny way of doing non-business Aide: Caveat emptor, sir. Putin: Is what? Aide: Caveat emptor, let the buyer beware. Putin: And you people wonder why I hate capitalism. Aide: It’s politics sir. Putin: . . . politeeks. Aide: Politics Putin: Good thing we got no politics here. Aide: Will there be anything else, sir? Putin: Cabinet members, you got any specials today? Aide: Permanent or acting Directors, our stock is going fast. |
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