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Satire:
MIDNIGHT AT THE WHITE HOUSE - by Alan Welch
(A transcript of a phone call that never happened according to White House insiders.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aid: Mr. President, President Putin is on the line.

Trump: OK, put it through.

Putin: Mr. President, good evening.

Trump: Vlad, I need to talk with you.

Putin: I told you not to call me that.

Trump: Right, sorry, sorry, I’m, I’m under a lot of stress.

Putin: Now what wrong is with you?

Trump: I lost the election.

Putin: Yes, yes, we know all that. We knew that before you knew it. Have you got my money?

Trump: . . . well, I . . .

Putin Have you got my money, you are almost done there.

Trump: I have most of it.

Putin: What do you mean most of it?

Trump: Things are a little rough right . .

Putin: How short are you?

Trump: Vlad, I . .

Putin: Don’t call me that.

Trump: Pootiebear . .

Putin: Don’t call me that either. NEVER call me that.

Trump: But Pootiebear-

Putin I TOLD you never to call me that.

Trump: ok, but Vlad -

Putin: Don’t call me that either.

Trump: OK,  . . . boss.

Putin: You did not say it with capital B.

Trump: I’m sorry, Boss-

Putin: That’s better. You KNOW I like that better.

Trump: Like I said I’m a little short.

Putin: HOW short?

Trump: I have about $300 million.

Putin: That’s a hundred million short!

Trump: I know Vlad but-

Putin: Don’t call me that!

Trump: But I am running out of options.

Putin: You are there for another month, suck it out of those losers who still believe in you. At least that is one thing you do well.

Trump: Don’t say that Pootie-

Putin: Don’t say it!

Trump: Oh, ok . . . I just-

Putin You have a month to come up with other hundred million even if you have to declare martial law.

Trump: . . . Marshal law, hey, that’s a great-

Putin: Just get me my money!

Trump: Then I can come to Moscow?

Putin: Sure, sure, that’ll be fine.

Trump: And I can build a Trump Tower there?

Putin: Sure, sure . . .

Trump: Does Melania have to come too?

Putin: Of course. Now go be presidential.

Trump: But Vlad, I was hoping-

Putin: You are calling me that again!

Trump: But Poo-

Putin: DON’T!

Trump: I mean boss.

Putin: . . .

Trump: I said boss.

Putin: . . .

Trump: Boss!

Putin: Yeah, better. Yes, Melania has to come, otherwise it would look strange

Trump: But we can still see each other right?

Putin: . . . . . (sigh) of course.

Trump: . . . .

Putin: Good night.

Trump: But-

Putin: Good NIGHT.

Trump: . . . . . Good night . . .

*click*

*click*

Trump: . . . *whispers* pootiebear.



Satire:
A Day at the Senate Customer Service desk. - by Alan Welch

(A transcript of a phone call that never happened according to 17 intelligence agencies insiders.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*telephone rings*

Aide: Hello, this is the U.S. Senate Customer Service Department, how can I help you?

Putin: Da, er yes, this is customer John Smith, 02925, I would like to speak to someone about a refund.

Aide: A refund sir?

Putin: Yes, is refund, right?

Aide: A refund for exactly what sir?

Putin: My purchase.

Aide: And what purchase would that be sir?

Putin: MY purchase, I would like refund on ALL my purchases. Is why I am calling.

Aide: You’ll have to be more specific, sir. Which purchases are you calling about.

Putin: All of them! Look them up.

Aide: I still don’t know what you mean, sir.

Putin: I want my money back for my purchases

Aide: I need -

Putin: Just look my name up in your records!

Aide: Records sir?

Putin: YES! In your records, you are keeping records don’t you?

Aide: Are you serious, Sir?

Putin: You are joking with me, yes?

Aide: No, seriously sir, we don’t keep records of these purchases.

Putin: . . . . . WHAT!?!?

Aide: After all, we DO have laws in this country.

Putin: (INCOMPREHENSIBLE VITRIOLIC RUSSIAN)

Aide: Is there anything else I can do for you sir?

Putin: Wait, wait, I want to know . . .

Aide: Sir?

Putin: You are telling me you are keeping no records of these purchases?

Aide: Of course not Mr. Smith.

Putin: I buy President and he loses and I get nothing back?

Aide: Oh, you’ll need to speak to the White House Customer Service for that, shall I trans-

Putin: Nyet, that is bitter borscht, That fool in White House couldn’t pull off simple coup even after I give him
instructions. He -

Aide: Beg pardon?

Putin: . . . Never mind, I buy Senate leader and he fails me and I get-

Aide: Nothing back, Mr. Smith, yes.

Putin: And I buy senators and I -

Aide: Get nothing back, yes sir.

Putin: what about warranty?

Aide: Surely you jest, sir. A warranty on politicians?

Putin: . . . . .

Aide: I might add sir you are welcome to keep the complimentary set of steak knives that came with your non-purchase.

Putin: Is expensive steak knives.

Aide: Nothing but the best for our non-customers.

Putin: Funny way of doing non-business

Aide: Caveat emptor, sir.

Putin: Is what?

Aide: Caveat emptor, let the buyer beware.

Putin: And you people wonder why I hate capitalism.

Aide: It’s politics sir.

Putin:  . . . politeeks.

Aide: Politics
Putin: Good thing we got no politics here.

Aide: Will there be anything else, sir?

Putin: Cabinet members, you got any specials today?

Aide: Permanent or acting Directors, our stock is going fast.